I HAVE A CELL PHONE FINALLY

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I HAVE A CELL PHONE FINALLY

it is cool
it has camera anf video capabilities

Motorola V 555 - Specifications, Images, Review and User Comments

Pulse24 - Toronto's News

Pulse24 - Toronto's News: "Podcasting is a new term that refers to technology that lets almost anyone �broadcast� on the Internet, and while much of the media establishment was a step behind the blogger revolution, this time around, everyone�s trying to cash in.

From Disney to Newsweek to National Public Radio, many of the big media magnates are now offering the technology, which is so simple it can be downloaded onto the popular IPods"

ARC23 RADIO

arc23.leqoqo.mp3

Radio's War of the Worlds Broadcast (1938)

Radio's War of the Worlds Broadcast (1938): "Radio Listeners in Panic, Taking War Drama as Fact
Many Flee Homes to Escape 'Gas Raid From Mars'--Phone Calls Swamp Police at Broadcast of Wells Fantasy
This article appeared in the New York Times on Oct. 31, 1938.
A wave of mass hysteria seized thousands of radio listeners between 8:15 and 9:30 o'clock last night when a broadcast of a dramatization of H. G. Wells's fantasy, 'The War of the Worlds,' led thousands to believe that an interplanetary conflict had started with invading Martians spreading wide death and destruction in New Jersey and New York.
The broadcast, which disrupted households, interrupted religious services, created traffic jams and clogged communications systems, was made by Orson Welles, who as the radio character, 'The Shadow,' used to give 'the creeps' to countless child listeners. This time at least a score of adults required medical treatment for shock and hysteria. "

BBC NEWS | UK | Tube cleared after minor blasts

BBC NEWS | UK | Tube cleared after minor blasts: "Tube cleared after minor blasts

Minor explosions using detonators only have sparked the evacuation of three Tube stations and the closure of three lines, a BBC correspondent has said.
Police cordoned off large areas around Warren Street, Oval and one of the Shepherd's Bush Tube stations.
A route 26 bus in Hackney Road in Bethnal Green had its windows blown out by a blast. There were no injuries.
Police in London say they are not treating the situation as 'a major incident yet'."

CBC News: U.S. moves to extend daylight time

CBC News: U.S. moves to extend daylight time: "The change, due to take effect this autumn if approved by U.S. President George W. Bush, could cause headaches for Canadians during March and November, the two months the two countries would be out of sync.
Television and travel schedules could be affected, while the change could also mean implications for business operations between the two countries."

CBC News: Strike vote at CBC 87 per cent

CBC News: Strike vote at CBC 87 per cent: "The CBC's largest union has voted overwhelmingly in favour of a strike if its negotiators can't get a deal with the corporation.
The Canadian Media Guild (CMG) announced Tuesday afternoon that its members had voted 87.3 per cent to support taking strike action, if necessary."

SOUTHERN BRUCE COUNTY RADIO UPDATE

CFPS is now on FM at 97.9 and is known as "98 the Beach" with a tagline along the lines of "lights hit for the lighthouse coast"
The new Kincardine station is not on the air, but last week Scott Fybush said they had found an available frequency of 90.9. There are supposed to be transmitters in Goderich and Port Elgin as well.

The Most Important Part of the Body

from N A R C I S S I S T I C * M I S S Y * O N G:

"The Most Important Part of the Body
My mother used to ask me what the most important part of the body is.

Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the correct answer.

When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as humans, so I said, 'My ears,

Mommy.' She said, 'No. Many people are deaf.

But you keep thinking about it and I will ask you again soon.'

Several years passed before she asked me again.

Since making my first attempt, I had contemplated the correct answer.

So this time I told her, 'Mommy, sight is very important to everybody, so it must be our eyes.'

She looked at me and told me, 'You are learning fast, but the answers not correct because there are many people who are blind.'

Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge and over the years,

Mother asked me a couple more times and always her answer was, 'No.

But you are getting smarter every year, my child.'

Then one year, my grandfather died. Everybody was hurt. Everybody was crying.

Even my father cried. I remember that especially because it was only the second time I saw him cry.

My Mom looked at me when it was our turn to say our final good-bye to my Grandfather.

She asked me, 'Do you know the most important body part yet, my dear?'

I was shocked when she asked me this now. I always thought this was a game between her and me.

She saw the confusion on my face and told me,

This question is very important. It shows that you have really lived in our life.

For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you were wrong and I have given you an example why.

"

Roadcasting

Roadcasting: "Roadcasting is collaborative, mobile radio.

It is a system, currently in prototype state, that allows anyone to have their own radio station, broadcasted among wirelessly capable devices, some in cars, in an ad-hoc wireless network. The system can become aware of individual preferences and is able to choose songs and podcasts that people want to hear, on their own devices and car stereos and in devices and car stereos around them.

Roadcasting provides a set of methods to transform radio into a community-driven interactive medium. Using collaborative filtering technologies, it enables rich passive and interactive experiences for 'DJs' and listeners in a way that has not previously been possible. Roadcasting matches you to radio stations that play the content that you want to hear.
With Roadcasting, it becomes incredibly easy to have your own radio station heard by others in their cars, homes, and offices within the reach of your ad-hoc network, determined by the wireless technology used."

Barrier Free Fest for Persons with Disabilities

Barrier Free Fest for Persons with Disabilities
The Anne Johnston Health Station is hosting two summer BBQ gatherings. Join an array of individuals for great food and socializing. Attendant services provided.

Dates: Friday, July 22, 2005
Friday, August 12, 2005
Time: 6:00 - 9:00pm
Location: The Anne Johnston Health Station
2398 Yonge Street at Montgomery

RSVP to Lucy one week prior to the event at 416-486-8666 ext. 226.

Attendant services provided.

Bluewater Radio CFBW 91.3 FM

Bluewater Radio CFBW 91.3 FM

Bluewater Radio CFBW 91.3 FM went "On the Air" 31st December 2001 and broadcasts from its studios in the heart of Hanover 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Since January 2005, Bluewater Radio is streamed around the world on the internet on its website at www.bluewaterradio.ca

CANOE -- JAM! Television - TV Shows: Big Brother 6

CANOE -- JAM! Television - TV Shows: Big Brother 6: "Big Brother 6"

CANOE -- JAM! Television: Top Big Brother HouseGuests

CANOE -- JAM! Television: Top Big Brother HouseGuests: "1. Will 'Dr. Evil' Kirby (Big Brother 2)
Tied (at least in my mind) with Survivor's Richard Hatch and Tom Westman as the greatest reality show player we've seen yet. A Machiavellian and charismatic wonder who tempered his ruthless gameplay with a boyish and mischievous sense of humour. His strategy and how he carried it out in a deliberate and open manner still amazes. The piano wire story he told still rules to this day. Crown him. He's the king.
Honourable mentions: Amy, Roddy, Shannon, Marvin, Jason, Cassandra, Monica, David, Karen, Eddie"

CBC Sports Online: Faceoff 2004-05

CBC Sports Online: Faceoff 2004-05: "It's a deal. The NHL and its Players' Association have agreed in principle on a new collective bargaining agreement, possibly ending the longest labour dispute in professional sports history"

CBC Sports: NHL, NHLPA agree to tentative deal

CBC Sports: NHL, NHLPA agree to tentative deal: "The deal, reported to be for six years, still requires ratification from both the league's board of governors and the players' union.
The players will meet next Wednesday and Thursday in Toronto while the owners will meet Thursday in New York. Both sides are expected to approve the deal, leading to the return of NHL hockey for the 2005-06 season"

Breaking Sports

Breaking Sports

HOCKEY, NHL and other sports coverage

HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY

TSN.ca - NHL - Canada's Sports Leader: "The NHL's long awaited new CBA will be completed today, sources close to the talks told TSN Wednesday.
An extended session between the NHL and NHL Players' Association, which started at Noon et on Tuesday, is apparently continuing and should soon produce the agreement that would be the catalyst to ending the 301-day labour dispute, the longest in the history of North American professional sports."

NPR on CKLW 800 AM Windsor

Lost and Found Sound: The Stories: " CKLW 800 AM was THE radio station for NPR's Don Gonyea where he grew up outside Detroit, Michigan. It was his primary source for music and entertainment in the 1960s and 70s, as it was for many young people. Whether they were driving their cars, or lying on the beach, it was always to the tune of CKLW.
Not only did the station beam a powerful signal, its top 40 format featured an aggressive mix of popular music, bellowing disc jockeys and sensational newscasts. Listen as Don plays us the greatest hits of CKLW. "

yellobunny

yellobunny: "what is a movie really? A bunch of still pictues that are slightly different put together in a sequence so that it appears that ppl or objects are moviing or changing to act out a storyline. So why when we watch them we get so caught up in them that we actually believe they happened or could possably happen"

check my friend Jess's journal

I Love Laughter - levels

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.

When the phone is answered he asks,
"Can I speak to Roger, please?"
"No! There's no one called Roger here."
The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.
"No, there's no one here called Roger.
Go away. Don't call again."
"That's aggravation," says Dad.

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

I Love Laughter - Surgery Recovery a

Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "a circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

v

I Love Laughter - You know you're attending an Electronic Church if......

You know you're attending an Electronic Church if......


- The pastor reads his sermon from a palm-held computer "notepad"

- There are cell-phone chargers next to the pew-pencil drill holes

- MCI takes out full-page ads in the church bulletin

- At the church flea market, used cell phones and answering machines
outnumber bowling balls, blenders and electric can-openers.

- When the bells are rung at the end of the service, half the
congregation reaches into pockets or purses to see if it was for them.
(Theologically speaking, of course, it was.)

- The parish not only has an Internet web site, the parish council has
discussed petitioning the bishop to change the parish name to "All
Saints Domain"

- Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows what "domain" means

- People without email addresses are referred to as "the needy"

- As an April Fool's Day joke on the pastor, several of the teenagers
hid their pagers around his office, then called them all
simultaneously. Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt
like he was at Sunday liturgy.

- During coffee and doughnuts after services, people are overheard
wondering if confession by email would be "licit." Someone thinks
"licit" is the name of a new software company.

- A petition is circulating to partition the prayer room, creating a
"beepers-on" section.

- To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on "vibrate" is more
common than handing them Cheerios.

I Love Laughter - I am not

"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.

A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.

" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "

MIT Weblog Survey

MIT Weblog Survey: "MIT Weblog Survey
This is a general social survey of weblog authors being conducted at the MIT Media Laboratory. For more information about the survey,"

DO IT

BBC NEWS | UK | London bombs killed 'at least 50'

BBC NEWS | UK | London bombs killed 'at least 50': "The final death toll for the London bombs will be at least 50, the head of the Metropolitan Police says.
Sir Ian Blair said there were a number of bodies still in the Tube train at Russell Square but that the final figure was unlikely to top 100"

blinkx video search

blinkx video search

BBC NEWS | UK | London bombings toll rises to 38

BBC NEWS | UK | London bombings toll rises to 38: "A series of bomb attacks on London's transport network has killed more than 30 people and injured about 700 others.
Three explosions on the Underground left 35 dead, two died in a blast on a bus and another died later in hospital."

Radio Candy Stunt Not So Sweet - June 23, 2005

Radio Candy Stunt Not So Sweet - June 23, 2005: "A Kentucky woman who thought she won $100,000 in a radio station giveaway is suing for breach of contract after learning that her prize was actually a Nestle's 100 Grand candy bar. According to the below June 22 Circuit Court complaint, Norreasha Gill, 28, claims that she was listening to Lexington's WLTO-FM on the evening of May 25 when host DJ Slick announced that he would award '100 Grand' to the tenth caller. When Gill, the pregnant mother of three children, was that tenth caller, the radio host told her she could pick up her prize the following day at WLTO's studio. She subsequently learned that the contest was a 'joke,' according to her lawsuit, which names the radio station's parent company, Cumulus Media, as a defendant. Gill's lawsuit seeks the $100,000 prize and additional punitive damages. "

BBC NEWS | In Depth | london explosions

BBC NEWS | In Depth | london explosions: "

LATEST NEWS
TRANSIT INFO
HELPFUL LINKS

CBC News: Blasts rip through heart of London

CBC News: Blasts rip through heart of London: "The first reports of subway blasts came around 8:50 a.m. local time, sending fire trucks and ambulances to the scenes.
Police have confirmed two deaths and 54 injured in the subway blasts, but hospitals in the city say there may be more than 100 injured. CNN and Reuters are reporting as many as 12 people were killed. "

BBC NEWS | UK | London rocked by terror attacks

BBC NEWS | UK | London rocked by terror attacks: "At least two people have been killed and scores injured after three blasts on the Underground network and another on a double-decker bus in London. "

CBS: Big Brother 6

CBS: Big Brother 6 starts this week I can't wait

TheWB.com - Episode

TheWB.com - Episode: "With the $250,000 prize money up for grabs, the two remaining teams prepare to compete in the last challenge. Unsure of what the final test will be, both teams spend a day learning more about each other and studying materials from past challenges. Who will be sent packing and who will be named the ultimate 'Beauty' and 'Geek'? "

Beauties, Geeks Reunite on The WB

Zap2it - TV news - Beauties, Geeks Reunite on The WB: "LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) How much does The WB love 'Beauty and the Geek'? So much that it's willing to confer on it that token of reality-series franchise status, the reunion show.
The network has scheduled a post-finale meeting of the show's title characters for Wednesday, July 13, a week after 'Geek's' first-season finale airs. The reunion show, 'Beauty and the Geek: The Aftermath,' will bring together all seven participants from each side of the beauty-geek equation."

'Big Brother 6': Bigger, Better, More Fragrant

Zap2it - TV news - 'Big Brother 6': Bigger, Better, More Fragrant: "
'Big Brother 6' launches its thrice-weekly airings Thursday, July 7, on CBS. The Thursday episode, with host Julie Chen, is the live edition of the show, featuring the weekly eviction of one of the housemates. Pre-taped episodes air on Tuesday and Saturday. As always, cameras and microphones monitor the houseguests 24 hours a day, both on television and continuously on the Internet."

CBS Jumps on Poker Bandwagon

Zap2it - TV news - CBS Jumps on Poker Bandwagon: "LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) CBS is betting that interest in televised poker isn't on the wane, teaming up with a promoter to televise poker tournaments in which amateur players get a chance to match wits with pros.
The network has signed a deal with ProJo Poker Enterprises to televise eight ProJo tournaments and four specials. First up will be the 'ProJo Christmas Poker Classic,' airing in the afternoon on Dec. 25.
With the deal, CBS is making the biggest push yet by a broadcast network into the world of televised poker. Although NBC has aired a couple of specials in the past, poker has been largely a cable phenomenon, providing ratings boosts for networks ranging from ESPN ('World Series of Poker') to Bravo ('Celebrity Poker Showdown') to the Travel Channel ('World Poker Tour')."

CBC News: 'I think it's time I talk,' says Homolka

CBC News: 'I think it's time I talk,' says Homolka: "Karla Homolka, speaking in French, told the CBC on Monday that she was only a follower and didn't initiate the murders of two Ontario schoolgirls and her own sister. "

Homolka and her ex-husband, Paul Bernardo, kidnapped, tortured, raped and murdered Kristen French and Leslie Mahaffy in the early 1990s.

Homolka co-operated with prosecutors to help them convict Bernardo, who was at first thought to have forced his wife into helping him commit the crimes.

Videotapes that later surfaced in the couple's home in St. Catharines, Ont., showed her to be have been a willing partner, however.

City of Toronto, Toronto Transit Commission TTC

City of Toronto, Toronto Transit Commission TTC: "Wheel-Trans
Specialized Paratransit Service
Wheel-Trans provides door to door accessible transit service 7 days a week, weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. and weekends and holidays from 7:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. within the City of Toronto. Regular TTC fares apply."

York Region Transit: Moving York -- YRT Mobility Plus

York Region Transit: Moving York -- YRT Mobility Plus

York Region Transit offers several transportation choices for people who are unable to use regular public transit because of physical disabilities.

These services include specialized buses, Scrip Ride and Easy Access low floor conventional buses. You must register to be eligible for specialized bus services. For more information, call our office at (905) 762-2112 or 1-866-744-1119.

Beer Recall

I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."

The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.

Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?

All Grown UP

All Grown UP

According to Jeff Foxworthy,
You're not a kid anymore WHEN...


You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope its not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any
laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style--TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

Others ask for your recipes.

You start Christmas shopping in August.

You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

You don't like to drive after dark.

You say the words "Turn that music down!"

You wear black socks with sandals.

You can live without food but not without your glasses.

You point out what buildings used to be where.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

You rake the yard without being told to.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.


Now tell the truth--aren't you OLD?

LIVE 8 � The Long Walk to Justice

LIVE 8 � The Long Walk to Justice: "Every single day, 30,000 children die, needlessly, of extreme poverty.
On July 6th, we finally have the opportunity to stop that shameful statistic.
8 world leaders, gathered in Scotland for the G8 summit, will be presented with a workable plan to double aid, drop the debt and make the trade laws fair. If these 8 men agree, then we will become the generation that made poverty history.
But they'll only do it if enough people tell them to.
That's why we're staging LIVE 8. 10 concerts, 100 artists, a million spectators, 2 billion viewers, and 1 message... To get those 8 men, in that 1 room, to stop 30,000 children dying every single day of extreme poverty"

Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.

Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...

In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

I Love Laughter - Live to be 80

Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"

He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?

Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.

"No I don't," Myron replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"

"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."

The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"

Signs It's WAY Too Hot

Signs It's WAY Too Hot



22. Baked Alaska is being used in reference to the entire state, not
just the name for a delightful dessert.

21. The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that it
came out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your
door.

20. The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.

19. Your wife finally gives up her flannel footie pajamas.

18. Cows give homogenized milk right there at the Dairy.

17. Chickens lay hard boiled eggs.

16. Instead of "smoking or non-smoking" your favorite restaurant
offers "smoking AND smoking."

16. You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.

15. Your 97 year-old grandmother finally removes the down parka.

14. The frozen pork loin you bought at the grocery on special is
fully cooked by the time you get home and you only live a two minute
drive from the store.

13. Your church budget committee finally authorizes turning on the
air conditioning in the sanctuary.

12. The squash in your garden are fully cooked when you pick them.

11. "Ice Cube" forced to change his name to "Wet Spot."

10. Death toll climbs each time someone asks: "Hot enough for ya?"

9. Too late, you realize that killing someone for a Slurpee is
probably a crime.

8. You sat through Runaway Bride just so you could be in an air
conditioned room for two hours.

7. Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.

6. You shaved ten minutes off the morning commute by cooking
breakfast on your dashboard on the way in.

5. Your kids are toasting marshmallows -- by sticking them out the window.

4. Mirage in the living room keeps attracting dehydrated, bedraggled
neighbor children.

3. Richard Simmons releases new diet program: "Sweatin'. Just Lyin'
Around Motionless Sweatin'."

2. Local Goth queen spotted wearing a white cotton tennis dress with
floral trim.

Number 1 Sign It's Way Too Hot...

1. Water comes out of the "cold" faucet at the same temperature as
the "hot" faucet.

I Love Laughter - Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."

Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Ken.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

I Love Laughter - raging river

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

I Love Laughter - A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"